I'm finding it really interesting how I document my life online, particularly through Instagram. I love photography, and I find the pairing of pictures and words to be a wonderful way to express myself.
Looking back on my posts can be a bit peculiar. I see times when I was honest, and times where I put on a happy face and pretended all was well. I see true joy and dark sadness. I see the rise and fall of seasons, emotions, and events. I see what I deemed in my mind to be important, and I see all that I left out. I see how my pictures and posts have changed and evolved as time passes.
I truly enjoy how you can use the internet as an online diary, a documentation of your life. Above is just one way I document my life, and there are so many others, some on the internet, and some on pages in my room.
Instagram is one of my favorite means of expressing online, and if you'd like to join my journey through life and recovery, you can follow me: @juliadiaries.
How do you like to express online? Do you think that documentation through social networks is a good or bad thing? Let me know in the comments.
So this weekend my family and I went to a local park to hike with our lovely dog, Margot. It was a wonderful, cool autumn day with gray skies and the fireworks of fall--the vibrant leaves. When we got there we expected a normal, hike up to the top, where we would enjoy a lovely view and then go on home happy. But it didn't turn out like we had planned. We had a bit of an adventure along the way.
So we arrive at the park at noon, and find that it's absolutely beautiful. There were plenty of other people hiking, and most of them had dogs that enjoyed playing around with Margot. We had a lovely hike up, climbing rocks and getting Margot to jump up on logs and boulders.
Now, Margot is a strong, agile dog, so we always train her to jump up on all sorts of things, like rocks and tables, as you can see below.
At the top of the hike, there was this lovely tower that you could climb up and see the spectacular Autumn view.
This was the tower. Pretty high up, huh. So here's where the story starts. We climb this beautiful tower and get to the top. There's a gorgeous view, as you can see below. Now, it took an extremely long time to convince Margot to climb the tower. The stairs were very steep, and she was not enthusiastic. She climbed the first two staircases okay, but she absolutely refused to climb the final one, which led to the top. So I had to carry her. We eventually get to the landing at the top, and Margot bolts, trying to escape. She races away from me, and jumps up onto the edge of the tower, three stories high. It was crazy, we thought she was going to jump off the edge, which would've undoubtedly resulted in her death. She was trying to escape, so the moment she left my arms she looked for the quickest exit, and jumped up on the side, just like we always teach her. Everyone in the tower gasped with fear as she stood on the edge of the freaking stone tower. She hopped down really quickly, and all was well, but boy did she give us a heart attack. Oh man. There was a second when I thought my beloved puppy was going to fall to her death after I carried her up the stairs she was scared of climbing. Oh dear. We all laughed about it later, but boy was it scary. This tower was not small, and she jumped up on the side. Crazy. So that's the story from this lovely trip. Fun, huh. Once she jumped down I immediately put her leash back on and held onto her tight until we left. Man, that was scary. Anyway, enjoy the pictures we took at the top of this lovely tower, after we had been thoroughly scared to death by our nine month old dog. Fun stuff.
Sure, that lifestyle works for many people, but I have been reminding myself lately that there is more than that one way to live my life. I don't have to do what other people my age are doing. My priorities and values can be different, and that's okay. For me, given my recent life experiences, a lot of the things my peers find important are mere specks of dust in my mind. Grades, boyfriends, social lives--these things are no longer important in my mind. I now realize that there are things far more important that we should focus on. I'd prefer to focus on finding a home within myself and learning to be self compassionate and happy. If that means sacrificing some of the "normal" teenage experiences, so be it. I know what it's like to be in total darkness, and hitting rock bottom has made me realize that getting a grade lower than an A is no big deal. It's okay for me to wander off the beaten path. If I'm happy and content within myself, everything else will fall into place. I can work on learning the banjo and climbing mountains if I want to. It doesn't matter if my friends are busy going to sports practice and attending football games. There aren't any rules to leading the "right" life.
I'm at a different place than my peers. And yes, that can be pretty hard, since I feel as though I cannot always relate to others my age. But I am where I am supposed to be. And that's okay.
Yesterday my family and I took Margot to a nearby dog park. We've never been to one before, and it was great. There was an open field, an abundance of tennis balls, and even some little hiking trails! I decided to experiment a little with video instead of my usual blog posts, so I hope you guys like it!
There are a lot of things to be happy about right now, and it's truly making my mood soar into the clouds. I just feel so happy, and it doesn't take much to put a smile on my face. So here's why I'm so happy:
School is out! We are done for the summer, which makes me absolutely ecstatic. This school year was a rough one, and it felt like it dragged out over a very long period of time. I'm ready to have a refreshing, exciting summer and to start school next year fresh.
I am learning to play the banjo! It's one of my absolute favorite instruments, and a place near us offers free group lessons every Thursday. I've started doing those and then I plan on hopefully taking private lessons after that! It makes me so giddy with excitement I can't even begin to describe how happy I am about it.
I can do a handstand. So I've been doing yoga for a while and a handstand always seem way out of reach for me. But I've been practicing, and I can do one! I can only stay up for a few seconds, but it makes me so happy to feel the progress I'm making.
Margot. That dog makes me so so happy. She's my best friend, my hiking buddy, and the sweetest puppy in the world. I'm so grateful for her, and we've been having a lot of fun together lately.
Typewriter! So my wonderful and amazing grandmother found a typewriter for me and gave it to me as a gift! It makes me so so happy I can't even begin to describe it. I've wanted a typewriter since I was a little girl and decided I wanted to be a writer (like Kit Kittredge, my American Girl Doll), so to finally have one is completely surreal. Thank you Grandma!
Cozy, lazy mornings. This morning has been filled with warm beds, homemade waffles, poetry, and lots of relaxing. I feel like I haven't had a good lazy morning in a long while, so this morning has been blissful. Hopefully the summer will be filled with more mornings such as these.
What are you guys happy about on this lovely first day of summer! Tell me about it!
I was scrolling through tumblr today and I saw a surplus of cute, colorful images bearing the words "choose happiness." Most would think little of posts such as these, thinking them to be simple and positive pictures that are meant to brighten your day. But for me, I felt slightly bothered by their loud and almost ignorant message. As someone who suffers from chronic anxiety and depression, sheer happiness is something that is far more difficult and complex than a mere choice. I can choose to try my very best to be happy, but it doesn't always mean that it'll work.
For me, an "okay" day is something to celebrate, it's something that shows progress and hope. When you're stuck in misery for so long, a quick break from it is like a breath of fresh air, a short time to rest and recover. But when you wake to feelings of depression and sadness the next day, you're filled with frustration and anger at your current state of mind. Because being miserable is no fun, believe me. No one in their right mind would ever choose to be unhappy for unbearable lengths of time, for it's absolutely awful. So when I see images telling me to "choose happiness," it makes me a little bit upset. If happiness was just a choice, don't you think I would have chosen it already? If it were that easy, my depression could simply dissolve and I could get on with my life. You can't choose happiness any more than you choose sadness. It's not a conscious decision, it's a reaction to some sort of stimuli in your life.
Happiness is something that I constantly ache for, and something that I truly love. I know what it is like to be happy, and it is a wonderful, gorgeous feeling. However, it's unrealistic to assume that someone can simply choose to be happy all the time. It's impossible. And even if it were possible, would you choose constant happiness? I know that I wouldn't. Being miserable is not a good feeling, and if you suffer from depression, constant sadness can be completely crippling and frustrating. But since I have experienced such deep, intense sadness, it allows me to better appreciate the times when I am happy. I cherish those moments, for they are few and far between, making them beacons of light in the darkest of times.
I'd like to share a video on the very topic that I'm discussing, for it outlines how I feel quite perfectly. Beckie0 is one of my favorite YouTubers, and she struggles with several of the same mental health issues as I do, and shares many of my opinions as well. Please watch this video, and think twice before you tell someone to simply choose to be happy.
Sorry for the rather deep and serious post, but this is something that I wanted to share with you guys, as it is important to me. I also wanted to bring a little light upon some of the mental health issues that I struggle with, because I'd like to write more about them in the future.
Today, it rains. Not a dull, cold rain, but a vibrant splashing on the windows, water pouring from the sky, a promise of a greener tomorrow. I love sunshine to death, but there is something to be said for a good downpour. It is like a cleansing, a baptism for the earth. It's beautiful. Rain also gives me this slight sense of melancholy. Not in a bad way, but rather melancholy with a certain sweetness to it. The kind that makes you want to curl up in a blanket and read poetry. So I did just that. After taking Margot out and getting thoroughly drenched, I toweled myself off, made myself a cup of tea and headed upstairs to my bedroom. I lit a few candles, played my favorite Bon Iver album, For Emma, Forever Ago, and simply burrowed myself in blankets with my book of John Keats poetry. Oh, how delightful it is to feel so warm and safe inside your room as the rain pounds against the windows. I also pulled out my woolen socks, one of the only things I miss about winter right now. After reading a few of my favorite poems and feeling delightfully melancholy, I opened my well-worn moleskin journal and wrote about this glorious rainfall and the magic in poetry. It was certainly a lovely afternoon.
There was also a bit of thunder, which exhilarated me but unfortunately scared Ellie, my other dog, half to death. She was shaking and trembling on my lap as the thunder rolled across the sky. I managed to snap this photo of her though, amidst all of her panic. She's such a cutie, although not usually the photogenic one of the two. I love her to death though.
Today has been one of those days where I am truly thankful for all of the good in my life, for there is so much for me to be grateful for. I'm thankful for spring, and blooming lavenders, and reading John Keats' Ode To a Nightingale aloud outside as I lay in my hammock. I'm thankful for delicious baked goods and the way sunshine feels on bare feet and for having friends that truly connect to your soul. I'm thankful for days where I can sit outside in the grass, reading a book and listening to the Avett Brothers. I'm thankful for yoga and meditation, and all of the peace it has brought me in my hectic life. I'm grateful for beautiful Mexican blankets and healing crystals and my two darling dogs sleeping on my legs. I'm grateful for the world finally being in full bloom, for the green plumes sprouting from tree branches, for songbirds beckoning me awake in the early morning. I'm thankful for prayer and the Lord and all the good he bestows upon us. I'm thankful for the hard times, the dark days, and the mountains we must climb in life, for they unveil all that is beautiful within this earth. I'm thankful for the people that care about me even though I often wonder why they do. I'm grateful to be alive, grateful to be given this chance to leave my footprint on the earth, however small it may be. I'm thankful for life.
