I've been thinking a lot lately

about sadness

sorrow

misery

and tears.

Perhaps it is because my world is so dark

or because it's all I can find in my mind.

And I think about those who are sad

particularly those with depression.

I would do anything to save them

to take them away from the hell within their skulls

to scoop up their souls

and cradle them

in the crook of my arm.

"Everything is alright now,"

I would croon

to the fractured soul

"You don't deserve this pain,

"I'm here to take it away."

Yet why is it that I fail to care for my own soul

in such a way.

Why is it that I let ice settle in the cracks,

causing my weakened soul to shatter

and pearls to fall from my eyes

a broken, tearful mess.

"Broken is beautiful,"

some people say.

Some people are wrong.

Broken is like jumping 

into the depths of hell

and feeling both an 

icy chill

and 

a scalding burn

across your weak, fragile skin.

Broken is dreaming of death

and being disappointed when you open your eyes

as the sun comes up.

Broken is anything but beautiful.

It is pain.

it is hell.

Why do I write about such pain?

Shouldn't I try to fill the world with positivity?

When I try to express my pain to others

I am met with invalidation.

"have you tried yoga"

"you should meditate"

"just smile more"

"I hear bananas and avocados make you happier"

"oh yeah I was depressed once

"when my cat died

"i was sad for like three days"

"just be grateful for what you have"

"don't you know others have it worse?"

"you're just choosing to wallow in your depression"

"choose happiness"

"stop being so negative"

"why are you choosing to be so miserable?"

I want to scream

until my throat is horse.

Misery is not a choice.

If it was, I would be an idiot

for choosing such pain.

I've tried bananas

I've done yoga

I smile every day

even though that smile is fake. 

So why am I writing about my sadness?

Why dedicate a post to pain and negativity?

Perhaps you wouldn't be asking this

if you first understood

that I did not choose this life

I did not choose this pain

I want to be happy

But just because you try to turn the light on

doesn't mean it will.