I've been thinking a lot lately

about sadness

sorrow

misery

and tears.

Perhaps it is because my world is so dark

or because it's all I can find in my mind.

And I think about those who are sad

particularly those with depression.

I would do anything to save them

to take them away from the hell within their skulls

to scoop up their souls

and cradle them

in the crook of my arm.

"Everything is alright now,"

I would croon

to the fractured soul

"You don't deserve this pain,

"I'm here to take it away."

Yet why is it that I fail to care for my own soul

in such a way.

Why is it that I let ice settle in the cracks,

causing my weakened soul to shatter

and pearls to fall from my eyes

a broken, tearful mess.

"Broken is beautiful,"

some people say.

Some people are wrong.

Broken is like jumping 

into the depths of hell

and feeling both an 

icy chill

and 

a scalding burn

across your weak, fragile skin.

Broken is dreaming of death

and being disappointed when you open your eyes

as the sun comes up.

Broken is anything but beautiful.

It is pain.

it is hell.

Why do I write about such pain?

Shouldn't I try to fill the world with positivity?

When I try to express my pain to others

I am met with invalidation.

"have you tried yoga"

"you should meditate"

"just smile more"

"I hear bananas and avocados make you happier"

"oh yeah I was depressed once

"when my cat died

"i was sad for like three days"

"just be grateful for what you have"

"don't you know others have it worse?"

"you're just choosing to wallow in your depression"

"choose happiness"

"stop being so negative"

"why are you choosing to be so miserable?"

I want to scream

until my throat is horse.

Misery is not a choice.

If it was, I would be an idiot

for choosing such pain.

I've tried bananas

I've done yoga

I smile every day

even though that smile is fake. 

So why am I writing about my sadness?

Why dedicate a post to pain and negativity?

Perhaps you wouldn't be asking this

if you first understood

that I did not choose this life

I did not choose this pain

I want to be happy

But just because you try to turn the light on

doesn't mean it will. 

The Crane Project

One key part of coping and dealing with trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder) is keeping your hands busy. Now there are many ways to do that (i.e. spinner rings, tangles, silly putty, play doh, knitting, etc.), one coping skill I discovered over the summer is making paper cranes. Any origami would probably do, but I chose to make only paper cranes, for they are simple, pretty, and don't require much intellectual effort to create. I would sit for hours on the couch or at the table, just folding and folding paper cranes. Since you need both hands to make the cranes, your physical body is dedicated to folding the origami. Both hands are completely occupied, and thus you can't pull unless you stop folding. This way of coping may not work for everyone, but it helped me a great deal, and significantly reduced my pulling. Before I knew it, I had made over seven hundred cranes, and I had no idea what to do with them all. So I came up with this. 

Using clear fishing wire, a needle, and some beads, I stringed up my cranes into these garland-like strands. I had different sizes of cranes, so I alternated and made half of them large and long, and the other half small and short. The process of stringing these together was not easy, especially since I'm not too gifted in the DIY department. It literally took blood sweat and tears (blood because I kept poking myself with the needle, sweat because I was moving around so much, and tears because half way through most of my strands of cranes that I had spent hours making had fallen apart because I didn't secure them properly). But despite the struggles and strife, I'm really pleased with the product. The colors of the cranes are bold and bright, and they really stand out against my dark blue walls. I'm in love with the way they look, and I'm happy that I took the time to create these wall ornaments. 

There are definitely other things that you can do with your cranes if you have extra or if you're not into this sort of project. Cranes look beautiful in a clear glass vase, or you can attach a paper clip or hook to them and create a christmas ornament. I like how you can really use your imagination when it comes to these cranes--there's so many options that you can think up when it comes to this. 

Do you have any other ideas of what to do with paper cranes? Let me know in the comments! 

Getting' Wiggy With It

Hello people of the internet! Today I'm here to talk about this fabulous thing on my head. So ever since I went bald, I've been fascinated with wigs. I got this wig back in August, which is a human hair wig that is intended for daily use. Now I love that wig to death, but I really wanted to get some colored costume wigs as well, just for fun. I've always wanted to dye my hair a crazy color, but I've never had the guts to do so. But wigs give you the opportunity to have crazy fun hair without the permanence of dying it. The next step is to just go out in public with the wig on! 

So when I stumbled across www.abhair.com, I wigged out (bad pun, I know) at the amount of fun cosplay and costume wigs they had available, and for great prices too! So I ordered this pink wig, and another one (which I'm going to exchange for this wig), and I'm obsessed. My only complaint is that the shipping took a long time, but other than that, the quality and price of the wigs were on point. The wigs are comfortable, light, and fairly easy to brush. They also included a wig cap and a comb, which was nice. I would really recommend this site, I'm really happy with it. This wig makes me want to dye my hair once it grows back! 

                      

More than a Condition

                                     

My diagnosis as stated by the doctors: Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, EDNOS, Borderline traits, and Trichotillomania. 

Funny, nowhere in that diagnosis do I see the name "Julia." Because guess what-- you are not your illnesses. Your conditions can not and will not define you. It's very easy to let your illnesses define who you are. But here's the thing---they don't. My struggles with mental illness have made me the person I am today. I am stronger, more mature, and more empathetic because of it. But that doesn't mean that I am my conditions. I am so much more than an anxiety disorder, so much more than my depression. You can look through my medical records all you want, but you'll find little about the true me. 

Julia loves the wilderness, and long walks among the trees. She is compassionate towards humans and animals alike, and wishes only to take others' pain away. She is diligent, and strong, and intelligent. Julia is in love with the English language, and could read poetry for hours on end. Julia has a tendency to push others away, but when you truly get to know her, she'll be loyal until the very end. She's an introvert, but she'll spend hours discussing what she's truly passionate about. She loves photography, and looks at the world through a Nikon lens. Born in the fall, she'll dance to the music of Autumn, and sing among the falling leaves. She'll read the rainy days away, and spend the sunny ones in a wobbly old kayak in a smooth, glistening lake. Julia has spent much of her life in darkness, but she believes that there is light. She is willing to fight for what others take for granted, and she is ready to win her battle. 

I am so much more than my conditions, and so are you. Never allow yourself to be defined by a chemical imbalance in your brain. You are worth mountains, and the world deserves to see your shining personality. 

So drop the labels, push aside the diagnosis, and don't ever be afraid to be YOU.

Socks and Recovery

I feel hope in today. I have spent quite a while in darkness, and today I finally see little glimpses of light. They are generally short and fleeting, but they're there, and that's the important part.

I've realized that success in recovery isn't how much hair is on your head, how long you've gone without self harming, or how well you manage your anxiety. True success means that you accept yourself fully where you are in your struggle. It's a recognition that the fight isn't over, but you will love yourself through it anyway.  

I'm definitely not there yet, but I'll keep fighting till I am. 

In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of my stripey socks ^_^