Left Behind

I've been having trouble accepting that I'm allowed to do things at my own pace. A little over a year ago, before mental illness took hold of my life, everything was in place. I was taking honors and AP classes, getting top notch grades, playing sports, participating in clubs--I was doing everything right. And so were my friends. But once I started struggling, my priorities had to change completely. Soon I couldn't look ahead to the future, and I had to tackle each difficult day as it came. And that's still how it is now. 

When your life stops, you kind of expect everyone else's life to stop too. But it doesn't. I see all of my honors student friends visiting colleges, prepping for SATs, and getting jobs, and I feel left behind in the dust. That was supposed to be me. That was the track I was on, and I feel like it's lost to me now. 

I'm still battling to function normally on a day to day basis, so my old goals and aspirations had to take a back seat. And I know that's the right decision, and that my mental health and stability is far more important than standardized testing and football games, but I still find myself wishing for the life I feel I have lost. 

I think it'll get easier with time, and that I'll accept that I need to march to the beat of my own drum, but right now it hurts to see everyone moving on without me. 

This might seem a bit whiney or bitter, but it's how I feel. It's hard to accept where you are in your life, especially when times are hard. But I'm going to keep trying, and keep on wandering down my own path. Because it's my own journey, and no one else's. 

Moonlit Field

Tonight I bundled up in a fleece and went to an open field to photograph the gorgeous moon. It's the first time I've ever tried the moon as my subject, and although they're not perfect, I'm pretty happy for my first time. 

And some edits I did: 

Catching Dreams

Dreamcatchers are one of my absolute favorite subjects to photograph. I just can't get enough of them.

My Life Through a VSCO Filter

I'm finding it really interesting how I document my life online, particularly through Instagram. I love photography, and I find the pairing of pictures and words to be a wonderful way to express myself. 

Looking back on my posts can be a bit peculiar. I see times when I was honest, and times where I put on a happy face and pretended all was well. I see true joy and dark sadness. I see the rise and fall of seasons, emotions, and events. I see what I deemed in my mind to be important, and I see all that I left out. I see how my pictures and posts have changed and evolved as time passes. 

I truly enjoy how you can use the internet as an online diary, a documentation of your life. Above is just one way I document my life, and there are so many others, some on the internet, and some on pages in my room. 

Instagram is one of my favorite means of expressing online, and if you'd like to join my journey through life and recovery, you can follow me: @juliadiaries. 

How do you like to express online? Do you think that documentation through social networks is a good or bad thing? Let me know in the comments. 

Autumn Adventures

So this weekend my family and I went to a local park to hike with our lovely dog, Margot. It was a wonderful, cool autumn day with gray skies and the fireworks of fall--the vibrant leaves. When we got there we expected a normal, hike up to the top, where we would enjoy a lovely view and then go on home happy. But it didn't turn out like we had planned. We had a bit of an adventure along the way.

So we arrive at the park at noon, and find that it's absolutely beautiful. There were plenty of other people hiking, and most of them had dogs that enjoyed playing around with Margot. We had a lovely hike up, climbing rocks and getting Margot to jump up on logs and boulders. 

 Now, Margot is a strong, agile dog, so we always train her to jump up on all sorts of things, like rocks and tables, as you can see below. 

 

At the top of the hike, there was this lovely tower that you could climb up and see the spectacular Autumn view. 

This was the tower. Pretty high up, huh. So here's where the story starts. We climb this beautiful tower and get to the top. There's a gorgeous view, as you can see below. Now, it took an extremely long time to convince Margot to climb the tower. The stairs were very steep, and she was not enthusiastic. She climbed the first two staircases okay, but she absolutely refused to climb the final one, which led to the top. So I had to carry her. We eventually get to the landing at the top, and Margot bolts, trying to escape. She races away from me, and jumps up onto the edge of the tower, three stories high. It was crazy, we thought she was going to jump off the edge, which would've undoubtedly resulted in her death. She was trying to escape, so the moment she left my arms she looked for the quickest exit, and jumped up on the side, just like we always teach her. Everyone in the tower gasped with fear as she stood on the edge of the freaking stone tower. She hopped down really quickly, and all was well, but boy did she give us a heart attack. Oh man. There was a second when I thought my beloved puppy was going to fall to her death after I carried her up the stairs she was scared of climbing. Oh dear. We all laughed about it later, but boy was it scary. This tower was not small, and she jumped up on the side. Crazy. So that's the story from this lovely trip. Fun, huh. Once she jumped down I immediately put her leash back on and held onto her tight until we left. Man, that was scary. Anyway, enjoy the pictures we took at the top of this lovely tower, after we had been thoroughly scared to death by our nine month old dog. Fun stuff. 

I've been thinking a lot lately

about sadness

sorrow

misery

and tears.

Perhaps it is because my world is so dark

or because it's all I can find in my mind.

And I think about those who are sad

particularly those with depression.

I would do anything to save them

to take them away from the hell within their skulls

to scoop up their souls

and cradle them

in the crook of my arm.

"Everything is alright now,"

I would croon

to the fractured soul

"You don't deserve this pain,

"I'm here to take it away."

Yet why is it that I fail to care for my own soul

in such a way.

Why is it that I let ice settle in the cracks,

causing my weakened soul to shatter

and pearls to fall from my eyes

a broken, tearful mess.

"Broken is beautiful,"

some people say.

Some people are wrong.

Broken is like jumping 

into the depths of hell

and feeling both an 

icy chill

and 

a scalding burn

across your weak, fragile skin.

Broken is dreaming of death

and being disappointed when you open your eyes

as the sun comes up.

Broken is anything but beautiful.

It is pain.

it is hell.

Why do I write about such pain?

Shouldn't I try to fill the world with positivity?

When I try to express my pain to others

I am met with invalidation.

"have you tried yoga"

"you should meditate"

"just smile more"

"I hear bananas and avocados make you happier"

"oh yeah I was depressed once

"when my cat died

"i was sad for like three days"

"just be grateful for what you have"

"don't you know others have it worse?"

"you're just choosing to wallow in your depression"

"choose happiness"

"stop being so negative"

"why are you choosing to be so miserable?"

I want to scream

until my throat is horse.

Misery is not a choice.

If it was, I would be an idiot

for choosing such pain.

I've tried bananas

I've done yoga

I smile every day

even though that smile is fake. 

So why am I writing about my sadness?

Why dedicate a post to pain and negativity?

Perhaps you wouldn't be asking this

if you first understood

that I did not choose this life

I did not choose this pain

I want to be happy

But just because you try to turn the light on

doesn't mean it will. 

The Crane Project

One key part of coping and dealing with trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder) is keeping your hands busy. Now there are many ways to do that (i.e. spinner rings, tangles, silly putty, play doh, knitting, etc.), one coping skill I discovered over the summer is making paper cranes. Any origami would probably do, but I chose to make only paper cranes, for they are simple, pretty, and don't require much intellectual effort to create. I would sit for hours on the couch or at the table, just folding and folding paper cranes. Since you need both hands to make the cranes, your physical body is dedicated to folding the origami. Both hands are completely occupied, and thus you can't pull unless you stop folding. This way of coping may not work for everyone, but it helped me a great deal, and significantly reduced my pulling. Before I knew it, I had made over seven hundred cranes, and I had no idea what to do with them all. So I came up with this. 

Using clear fishing wire, a needle, and some beads, I stringed up my cranes into these garland-like strands. I had different sizes of cranes, so I alternated and made half of them large and long, and the other half small and short. The process of stringing these together was not easy, especially since I'm not too gifted in the DIY department. It literally took blood sweat and tears (blood because I kept poking myself with the needle, sweat because I was moving around so much, and tears because half way through most of my strands of cranes that I had spent hours making had fallen apart because I didn't secure them properly). But despite the struggles and strife, I'm really pleased with the product. The colors of the cranes are bold and bright, and they really stand out against my dark blue walls. I'm in love with the way they look, and I'm happy that I took the time to create these wall ornaments. 

There are definitely other things that you can do with your cranes if you have extra or if you're not into this sort of project. Cranes look beautiful in a clear glass vase, or you can attach a paper clip or hook to them and create a christmas ornament. I like how you can really use your imagination when it comes to these cranes--there's so many options that you can think up when it comes to this. 

Do you have any other ideas of what to do with paper cranes? Let me know in the comments!