I've been having trouble accepting that I'm allowed to do things at my own pace. A little over a year ago, before mental illness took hold of my life, everything was in place. I was taking honors and AP classes, getting top notch grades, playing sports, participating in clubs--I was doing everything right. And so were my friends. But once I started struggling, my priorities had to change completely. Soon I couldn't look ahead to the future, and I had to tackle each difficult day as it came. And that's still how it is now.
When your life stops, you kind of expect everyone else's life to stop too. But it doesn't. I see all of my honors student friends visiting colleges, prepping for SATs, and getting jobs, and I feel left behind in the dust. That was supposed to be me. That was the track I was on, and I feel like it's lost to me now.
I'm still battling to function normally on a day to day basis, so my old goals and aspirations had to take a back seat. And I know that's the right decision, and that my mental health and stability is far more important than standardized testing and football games, but I still find myself wishing for the life I feel I have lost.
I think it'll get easier with time, and that I'll accept that I need to march to the beat of my own drum, but right now it hurts to see everyone moving on without me.
This might seem a bit whiney or bitter, but it's how I feel. It's hard to accept where you are in your life, especially when times are hard. But I'm going to keep trying, and keep on wandering down my own path. Because it's my own journey, and no one else's.
